Emotions

It is crazy how my emotions go from okay to crying...the ugly ugly cry.  The freshness of Garrett leaving is just so raw.  My emotions just don't know how to feel.  It has been described by a few as a pit in your stomach that just aches and won't go away.  It feels that way from time to time or a lump in my throat that is just there.  This just hurts.  I came to a sort of realization earlier and some of this is that I just am not ready for Garrett to grow up.
Over the past few days I have witnessed a change in him; a change in his behavior, a change in his attitude, a change in his maturity.  I know it was him getting ready for his mission and the Lord was preparing him for this day.
As he walked away from the car today, it was one of the few times I have seen him most happy during the past week.  Yes he has been happy, but it was a different happy, a content peaceful happy.  He had a plan and he had a purpose and he was about to fulfill that.  He knew he was going to be a representative of the Lord and help show others the way to an eternal life, full of that peace and happiness that he was filling today.
Just a brief note about this today.  This morning flew by quickly.  I woke up at 7am and laid in bed hoping this day would just pass us by and we could ignore it, which it didn't.  I crawled out of bed at 8 realizing I couldn't prolong the inevitable.  Garrett was already out of bed, had taken a shower and was sitting on the chair using the computer to catch up on news that happened overnight.  The rest of the family proceeded to get ready to take Garrett to the MTC.
We had a few errands we still needed to run before we dropped Garrett off at the MTC.  He wanted a scripture case and atlas.  But first it was off for a late breakfast or early lunch.  We met my parents and sister and nephew, along with Brent's mom, sister and her husband and their children at Chick-fil-a for breakfast.  This is one of Garrett's favorite places to eat and we knew we needed to eat someplace fast, so Chick-fil-a fit the bill.
We had breakfast and Garrett said his two year goodbyes to his relatives after we ate.   We left Chick-fil-a and made one stop and were on our way.
Three was small talk that took place but not a whole lot of talking.   I am not sure if we were all in shock or if it was a surreal moment.   Sort of like we are watching first hand another family go through this.
Utah County,  I wanted to cry.   I knew it wouldn't be too long until we said or two year goodbyes and then dropped him off.
We arrived ar the MTC grounds,  exchanged hugs and kisses,  climbed back in the van and drive across the street.   Tears were flowing down my face,  I could not contain my sadness.   In fact I couldn't contain it since eating breakfast.
Time flew by up to 12:30, hours and minutes flew at warp speed.  Once Garrett walked away, without looking back,  time crawled at a snails pace.
We made our way home,  but not without taking a detour pass the MTC one final time,  knowing that somewhere within that complex was our son,  our brother, our loved one.  We drove home with me blubbering off and on the entire way.  I finally decided I needed a blessing. 
We arrived at my parents house and this is when I observed the time, 2:30.  Then I looked at the clock thinking for sure 15 minutes must have passed, when I noticed to my disappointment only 7 minutes had gone by.   This was going to be a long agree on if time was crawling along this slow.  And it was.
Here I lay in bed and can't sleep.  My heart is heavy and my mind is full.  Time just ticks away....slowly.   Sometimes it seems fast but not all that often. 
Garrett was dropped off a mere 15 hours ago...In some ways it seems like such a long time ago and in others, still like it was a long time ago.
They say time somehow seems like it starts moving along about 6 months into a mission.  For my sake, I sure hope so.   They say eventually the emptiness, the pit or the holes in your stomach are replaced.   They are replaced by your missionaries happiness and joy.  I certainly how this is true because right now we all need to feel joy.   Poor Madi finally broke down tonight.   She couldn't sleep...hmm sounds familiar. .. and just had tears streaming down her cheeks.  I have her one of Garrett's pillows to snuggle with an I think that helped.
Brent and I finally crawled into bed and as I pull my covers back I notice a letter letting on the bed.   Garrett wrote me us the sweetest letter.  I love that kid.  He may not have been here last night for us to give him a hug and a kiss and tell him goodnight to, but he did the next best thing to it!
What a rough,  emotional,  happy yet sad, prepared for but dreaded day.  I found that one way for me to feel slightly close was to write Garrett a letter.   I utilized the servers of dearelder.com and wrote a letter to him that would be in his mailbox later today.  
This is definitely going to be an adjustment.  The pain of missing him is going to take some time to heal.  The emotions are going to vary, from day to day, hour to hour.  The pit in the stomach will eventually be fill in the love and peace.  This is all something new which I have never ever experienced. 
Today is a new day as well as a day down and a day closer to him returning home.  Once again, my thoughts turn to the clock and glance at the time.   Guess what time it is?   6:37, Garrett is just waking up.  Today will be the first day Garrett will fill of our love as he is away from home.