Easier

They say that it gets easier...I guess I am starting to think that.  Maybe that it is not easier, you just start adjusting to a "new" life.  Not that it is necessarily new, just different.  Maybe you just adapt to missing the extra body that occupied the same space.  But I can tell that it is getting a bit easier, emotionally.  I can get through the days without crying.  In fact, I made it most of this week without crying....with the exception of Tuesday!   Tuesday was when Garrett left for Florida...that day was nearly as hard as Jan. 8th.  But things have improved.  Things are better.  Maybe it is all the prayers that are said :).  
But I can honestly say, things are better.  I still miss him, I still cry whenever I read a letter he sends, but I can say his name and mission in the same sentence and be just fine!  I still want two years to fly by though.  But hey, we are nearly through January and I can say that this month has gone by fairly quickly.  Let's hope the others are equally as fast if not faster!!!

"Hi pal!"

5:45am the phone rings,  except this time is was a good thing.  This was one of those calls that you DO want to get in the middle of the night... or at least get woken up to.  "Hi!" Said the voice in the other end.  "Hey pal!" Brent said.  The conversation lasted about 20-25 minutes. There were no tears shed; Garrett sounded like his usual self.   Full of stories of the adventures he has been on the past two weeks.  Telling us all about the MTC and how wonderful it feels to leave.  Telling us how we sent him too many snacks;  snacks he left behind for other incoming elders.  Telling us about sneaking on the computer to send a quick email or how they would have chair races down the hall.  Letting us know that the teachers in the MTC are pretty awesome...at least he said his were.  We told him about RC cars that were just purchased.  We talked about the football teams heading to the Super Bowl.   We talked about a few things he wanted us to send. ..A pocket knife mainly.    Then the conversation had to end so that the other sisters and elders could call their families, too. 
We said our "I Love You's" and he said he would call once he arrived in Atlanta in his nearly 5 hour layover.  We hung up the phone and we were all thrilled, beyond belief, to hear his voice again and to hear that he is doing well.
By now it was just after 6am.  I noticed in the bathroom last night that we needed toilet paper in the morning after we woke up and got ready for the day.  Well, I pushed that need to a desperate need.  I bumped the toilet paper, the only role we had and we're using,  into the toilet! Off to the store we go.
As we drove to the store, we talked about Garrett and how he sounds.  We talked about how now the real part of his mission begins.
We arrived back home about 15 minutes later,  it was not about 6:30am.  We proceeded to get ready and crawl back in bed.   I couldn't sleep...still can't and it is now 8:06am.  I couldn't sleep so I opened my phone, checked Facebook,  then played a game.  Occasionally I would glance at the time on my phone.   6:50...He should be leaving in 20 minutes,  I thought.   Back to the game.  I told myself I want going to look at the time, it would be too hard.  7:00....10 more minutes.   7:09, all I could do was watch those numbers.   I must have watched them for the full minute before it changes it 7:10.  "I wonder if his flight is leaving o  time?" I pondered.
I open up the browser on my phone and proceed to Deltas homepage.   I click on check flight status, type in the departing city and the arriving city.  The flight had already left.  3 minutes early!!!  I didn't know if I should cry or what I should do?
I jumped out of bed,  grabbed my glasses and twisted a louver of the blind open.  It was dawn.  There was light to the east but night looking west.  I could see a plane heading east, the only one.  It's light flashing against the dark sky. My heart sank.  Garrett was gone.  He was no longer just a short hours drive away.  He was no longer within reach I could pick him up if he wanted to come home.  Garrett was and is now on his own, entering the real world. 
Tears filled my eyes when the lights on the plane were switched off, I could no longer tell where he was as he entered the morning sky.   Soon the tears overtook me.  Brent didn't need to ask why I was looking outside, he already knew the answer.  He asked if I could see the plane, which I replied, "I am pretty sure I saw it, but now the lights are off and I can't see it any longer."  He motioned for me to come to bed, which I did.  I just needed to be held, Brent needed to be held.  Garrett was going to be a long ways away.
I didn't expect this emotion to be this strong today.  I didn't think I could feel like I did two weeks ago, again.  But I do.  Once again, this is hard...hard to say goodbye and let go of your children's youth.  Hard to let them grow up and learn to make their own grownup decisions.  Hard to watch them leave the comforts of your home for an unknown place thousands of miles away.  It is just hard.
But I am counting down the hours and minutes until he calls again...from Atlanta.   Three hours until I can hear his voice on the other end and we can say, "Hi pal!  How was your flight?"

Double Edge Sword

It really is a double edge sword, you know.  This past week one of Garrett's companions had to go home from the MTC.  Part of me is really jealous that that mom gets to spend time with her son.  On the other hand, I also know that was not the outcome the mom was hoping for.  Neither was her son.
Part of me would love to open the door and find Garrett there with his luggage.  But the other part of me knows that is not what I want nor would he want that.  That part of me knows that this is what all of us need; he needs time to learn and grow and I need to allow him that chance.
My heart breaks for the missionary that has to go home.  He or she has a long road ahead of them.  They have to persevere on in the eyes of others, who unfortunately there are some, that will judge them (which is none of their business anyway).  How hard it must be, for the missionary, to make the call to your parents and say, "I am coming home early."  As much as I want to hear those words, I don't.
You see, this is a double edge sword.  You really want the best for your children, you want to see them do better than you and you want to see them learn and grow.  But it does come at a price.  More like sacrifice.  When I think about it in terms of the lives Garrett will touch and bless, it brings comfort and joy.  How could I deny Garrett that opportunity?  He may not see the impact on the families he has now, but he will see the impact years and years down the road.
My brother told me the other day, "This is the best education Garrett will ever get!  This education he is getting is far better than any prestigious university or college." This is true.  I know that.  I can already see it through the letters Garrett has written home.  It is amazing what the MTC has already done.
So I will persevere the next two years (actually a little shy of two years now...but still close enough).  I know that this will take time. But it is the letting go that is hard.  I did find an article on musicandthespokenword.org that I loved, it reads:

Love, Loyalty, and Belonging – January 12, 2014
Every parent knows that being a good mom or dad is the most difficult job in the world. No challenge is greater than giving your all to raise a child to become a responsible and honorable adult. And while it can seem exhausting and never-ending at times, the day soon comes when that son or daughter leaves home. It can be as challenging to see your children go as it was to raise them. In some ways, perhaps it’s even more difficult.

But giving them wings to fly and find their independence is the task of parenthood. And that’s the great irony of parenting—if we do it well, our children grow to need us less and less. As we truly, without guilt or overprotectiveness, “set [them] free to find [their] calling” in life,1 they leave with a sense of confidence and an assurance that, whatever happens, they are loved. And then, in moments and decisions large and small, thoughts and hearts return to the home that’s filled with goodness and love.

Of course, no home, no parent, no son or daughter is perfect or without some problems. But that’s the process of life. We give our hearts, we do our best, we learn and grow, and we become better and wiser. Life changes, children grow up and leave, and it seems that things will be forever different. And yet, though circumstances change, in a way they remain the same: We may not live together anymore, but we will always love each other. We may not see each other every day, but we are loyal and true to the timeless values taught and happy memories experienced in the home. We may move far away for a season, but always we are linked together—we forever belong to one another.

That sense of love and loyalty and belonging between parents and children can remain with us always. No matter where we travel, in our hearts we can ever be homeward bound.

- Lloyd D. Newell

Sundays....

I am starting to think that Sunday mornings are not my favorite.   It's just a bit rough in the morning.  1pm church does not help either.  Maybe if I could sleep in that would help....But I can't.   Nobody is preventing me from sleeping in but myself.  I have this darn internal alarm clock that wakes me up lately at 6:30am and then I can't fall back to sleep.   So here I lay in bed, trying to fool myself that I am tired,  all while being clobbered in they eye by Brent's elbow as he adjusted his pillow....which now I have a headache.  Yep,  I should have got out of bed when I first woke up.
Sunday mornings are dangerous in bed! 
Secondly,  I miss Garrett.  That kid would wake up early. .. Okay 8... and go into the the family room; I knew I could find him there.   Eventually I would join him.  We would exchange small talk,  how did you sleep,  have a good nights sleep? Things like that.   I miss that.  
Slowly, I can tell pain of missing him is being softened....But really slowly.  I guess it has only been 11 days since he has been gone and I am entitled to still feel sad, right?   I am happy for him, really I am.  Reading his letters makes me happy.  Reading his letters let's me know he is doing okay.   Reading his letters let's me see the growth he has made. 
So today, I may be reading his letters over and over again if that is what it is going to take to help me get through the day....specifically this morning.

I am a proud mom!

What a great day it has been!  I have looked forward to this day for the past four days!  Garrett emailed us last week and said that Tuesday was going to be his P-Day, while in the MTC.  I have looked forward to his letter today since then.  I have also hoped that, maybe, I would be able to catch him while he was on the computer and say "Hello!"    Well, I was able to "talk" to him many times through email.  I did not catch him on the computer until later in the evening, but still, he responded back to my messages quite a bit today!  I was thrilled!  (I guess thrilled would be obvious because I am ending each sentence with an exclamation mark!)
I am starting to think that looking forward to those writing days is what keeps a mom going and what may make this mission go fast....I hope!  Garrett sounds like he is doing well and having a great time, which makes me happy.  It is good to know that your kids are okay when they are away from home.  I am just ecstatic that I had the chance to talk to him through the computer, even if it was emailing.  For now, I will take it!  But I cannot wait until 6:20a.m next Tuesday when I will get to hear his voice!
Anyway, I have another letter to share....But first, if you want to read what Garrett has to write go to this website: http://www.missionsite.net/eldergarrettchristensen .    I love that it organizes all his letters on this site....it is wonderful!
Okay, I have another letter I want to share.  I want to be able to come back and read this letter time and time again. During one of mine and Garrett's email exchanges, he asked who wrote Parker's letter for him, I had no idea what he was talking about....I was thinking that maybe Parker wrote something goofy to his brother.  I asked Parker what he wrote to Garrett, Garrett was wondering who wrote it.  He then asked if I wanted to see what he wrote.  He pulled the letter up on the computer for me.  I was incredibly touched by his letter.  What an awesome example he is to me.  I just love my kids...that is all I have to say!  But I did not want to lose the letter that Parker wrote, it definitely was a letter from the heart!  So here it is:

Well... not much has changed. Subway is still the same old stuff, except for the fact ______ got fired, but anyway! I was sitting in seminary the other day and got bored, nothing unusual, but i was flipping through pages and wound up on the M's of the bible dictionary and started reading, I came upon the word Miracles. As i read it it was all normal scripture references and words and then i reached the end. The last sentence says " Miracles are a part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. If miracles cease it is because faith has ceased. See Mark 6:5–6; Morm. 9:10–20; Ether 12:12." I know that this is true seeing that in past month one friend I'm not way too close to started to leave the church, a group of his friends started praying for him and as i was talking to him in class the other day he said he went to his room and saw his scriptures, he continued to tell me he opened them up and got this comforting feeling so he started reading. After reading he said he got this feeling he needed to go to church the coming Sunday, he said that while he was at church they watched the new video for the Youth, the theme this year is come unto Christ and he told me how on the video the picture of Jesus got his mind turning and he thought about when he was baptized and the spiritual rush it gave him, he then started listening to the lyrics and he said when the words "let him and he will take away your pain, when you feel his love you'll never be the same" really hit him. He then heard the part "by his grace hes calling to you... with arms open wide" put him into tears. I feel that tender mercies like this are what keep us going, I know tender mercies in my life are what keep me going and are what keep me true and strong to the faith. I don't know if you've heard the new theme song yet but its one of the most beautiful songs and it has tons of truths that on any bad day will help you! Another thing I love about it is all of the miracles that Jesus preformed that are mentioned in it. This song is the best song to listen to when sad, mad , or just feeling down. every time i listen to it it almost brings me to tears, no joke! But anyway, I'm very happy of the example you've set for me and I'm looking forward to serving my mission. Well, for now have a great time and talk to ya later bro! Also just remember to look for those tender mercies in you life, my seminary teacher challenged us to write every single one down and I've been doing that, on any bad or hard day just go back through all the tender mercies you've had and it will turn a frown upside down and lighten your day!

Tender Mercies

I always hear people talk about tender mercies and I am sure I have had them and just not realized them, until recently.  Sometimes I think when you are going through a struggle or struggles, it is then that you realize those tender mercies from the Lord.  Sometimes it also takes others to open your eyes to those tender mercies.
Since we took Garrett to the MTC this past Wednesday, I know I have had a couple of tender mercies.  The first was the letter he wrote to me and Brent.  I did not find it until I crawled into bed Wednesday night, he had tucked it under my covers so I would only find it once he was gone.  The Lord knew that I needed to hear that night an "I love you." Still thinking about that makes me tear up.  I loved this letter!  It is one I am going to cherish the rest of my life.  Yes it made me cry, but I was happy he thought enough about me to write that letter the his father and I.  I bought a frame and framed this letter the following day.  I know Heavenly Father was watching out for me and prompted Garrett to leave that for us.  Such a sweet act of love.
The second tender mercy happened two nights later, Friday.  Brent had been out of town and was flying back home, Parker was at work, so it was just me and Madi.  We went to dinner with my parents that night.  Overall, the majority of the day I did pretty well in not crying, until I arrived home, that is when it usually hits.  My parents called and asked when we wanted to go get dinner, I thought the sooner the better, so that is what I told them.  5pm is was and that is when they showed up.  We headed to Rainbow Gardens in Ogden.  As I walked in my eyes started to swell with tears.  It was not that this was a favorite of Garrett's but it was that every time we ate here he was always with us.  I was also missing the rest of my family.  Right now, since I can't have Garrett here it just feels a little more complete to have everyone else around.  If I can include the rest of my family and friends it the feeling is even better.
Anyway, we were sitting at the table and I kept fighting back the tears.  Madi and I had both been on our phones, texting of playing on Facebook.  My friend, Judy, had texted me and told me that Wynnanne would be calling me sometime.  She went on to say that Wynnanne and Cal were back home from the MTC and that they had run into Garrett.  (Wynnanne is Judy's husbands stepmom, Cal is her Judy's husband's dad...make sense?  They are serving a mission from their home in their stake.  But they still went to the MTC for training.)
I was starting to reply to Judy to definitely have her call me when all of the sudden my phone rang with a number I did not recognize.  I debated on answering it but decided to answer it, you never know, it could be Garrett calling from the MTC saying he wants to come home...jk.
I answered the phone and it was Wynnanne.  I knew why she was calling and I immediately was filled with joy, happiness and tears!  She said that not only did they run into the first night, but the following two nights as well!  They saw him Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!  She went on to say how happy he was and how he was loving it at the MTC!  She told me that he looked so good; he was walking tall and straight with his shoulders back (he never did that at home).  He had a smile on his face all the time and he just looked good.  Each day he saw them he would run up and give them a hug and chat with them for a while.  She said he was not afraid to hug them in front of everyone else around him.  (That is my son)  She said he spoke really well and she could tell that he was going to be a fabulous missionary!  The whole time she is speaking, tears are cascading down my cheeks.   I am sure I was quite the sight at the restaurant!  Anyway, before she said her goodbyes with me on the phone she said she asked Garrett if there was anything he wanted her to tell us?  He said, "Tell my mom that I have not been homesick once!" "Also, tell my mom that I love her!" I just cried and told her thank you, that is truly what I needed to hear!
These words were truly the next best thing to hearing his voice!  I know the Lord is watching out for him and watching out for me  and my family.  I know that he knows what I need.  It still does not make this easy right now, but I sure hope that I have plenty of tender mercies to sustain me for the next two years!

Difficult sacrifice

For me,  this had been difficult.   This has been a difficult sacrifice to make.   I know my son is where he is suppose to be.   I know the Lord is watching over him.   I am happy to know that the Lord is raising him,  so why then am I struggling with him being gone?   Why is it that I miss him so much?   I don't tell him this in my letters, as much as I want to.   
As long as I am busy I am ok, but honestly,  can I stay busy everyday for 24 hours for the next two years?   I also find as long as I am not home I am a little bit better.
Right now it is 8:07am.  Quite often Garrett would wake up at this hour.; he would be the only one awake in the House.   I would find I would wake up at this hour as well and go out in the family room, where he would go.   Usually we didn't exchange many words but a simple "Hello,  how are you?   How did you sleep? "  then we would talk about our plans for the day or the news that took place over night.    Quite often you would find Garrett on the computer pouring over the news; he was a news junkie.
I am finding I am having a hard time going to places we would go to.   I would remember the last time we went there as a family.   
I just miss that kid.   I know he is in the best of hands.   I really wouldn't want him doing anything else.  So why then does this sacrifice have to be so difficult?  
There are times the missing him feels so crushing.  It feels like a giant weight has been placed upon you.  The only way I can release it is to cry usually.   I often wonder if I am tyne only mom who feels this way.   I wonder am I the only mom who will die from heartache (I know,  probably being a bit dramatic,  but honestly, that is how I feel).
I am still not a fan of the question, "how are you doing? "
Why does this sacrifice have to be so hard?

I got a letter!!!!

I got a letter from Garrett today!  I filled my heart with so much happiness!  It seemed to ease the pain of missing him for a little bit.  I wish they could email everyday....I think this would help ease the separation a little bit.  Maybe start out email daily, then start skipping a day here and then, and then skip a couple of days, and keep building on it until you are down to your weekly email.  Seriously, I think this would help so many moms out and their son or daughter.  It is that lack of communication that seems to hurt so bad.  Okay, it is just all of it that hurts, just missing him hurts.

I still cry, maybe not quite as much, but I still cry.  I can't say that the pain is gone, because it isn't.  I find that when I am busy, like people have said, you aren't dwelling on what is missing.  This is so true.  It is hard to be home right now.  I can walk into his room okay, but it is just being home in general that is hard.  I keep waiting for Garrett to walk in the door around 5 or later, just because that is when he would get off work.

I know this is what he needed.  There were many days I would look at him while he was home and think, "You need something to help you mature." Well, I guess he has found that something.  Really, I am happy about this.  But right now, I am just sad that he is not here with the family.  

I find that when I think ahead two years, it really gets to me.  Seriously, to the point that I could probably give myself an anxiety attack.  I find that when I go to places he loved to go to or some of the last places we visited together, I feel the same way.  I have to take a deep breath and just keep moving.  I have to look past what was and look at the present.  It is such a weird feeling to feel like this because this is not who I am.
I know this won't last, but it is hard to tell myself that at times.  But that letter I received, it was awesome!  It really does help lift the soul to when they communicate.  It really does bring joy to you to read their words.  I just need more letters, is that too much to ask?  I would love to have a letter daily...I will even go for every few days!  I think that is doable, right?  I think mothers need that sort of communication with their child...I think they need constant reassurance that their child is doing well, feeling okay, and just to say hi!  But for now, I guess I will have to learn how to make do with the once a week letter.

Emotions

It is crazy how my emotions go from okay to crying...the ugly ugly cry.  The freshness of Garrett leaving is just so raw.  My emotions just don't know how to feel.  It has been described by a few as a pit in your stomach that just aches and won't go away.  It feels that way from time to time or a lump in my throat that is just there.  This just hurts.  I came to a sort of realization earlier and some of this is that I just am not ready for Garrett to grow up.
Over the past few days I have witnessed a change in him; a change in his behavior, a change in his attitude, a change in his maturity.  I know it was him getting ready for his mission and the Lord was preparing him for this day.
As he walked away from the car today, it was one of the few times I have seen him most happy during the past week.  Yes he has been happy, but it was a different happy, a content peaceful happy.  He had a plan and he had a purpose and he was about to fulfill that.  He knew he was going to be a representative of the Lord and help show others the way to an eternal life, full of that peace and happiness that he was filling today.
Just a brief note about this today.  This morning flew by quickly.  I woke up at 7am and laid in bed hoping this day would just pass us by and we could ignore it, which it didn't.  I crawled out of bed at 8 realizing I couldn't prolong the inevitable.  Garrett was already out of bed, had taken a shower and was sitting on the chair using the computer to catch up on news that happened overnight.  The rest of the family proceeded to get ready to take Garrett to the MTC.
We had a few errands we still needed to run before we dropped Garrett off at the MTC.  He wanted a scripture case and atlas.  But first it was off for a late breakfast or early lunch.  We met my parents and sister and nephew, along with Brent's mom, sister and her husband and their children at Chick-fil-a for breakfast.  This is one of Garrett's favorite places to eat and we knew we needed to eat someplace fast, so Chick-fil-a fit the bill.
We had breakfast and Garrett said his two year goodbyes to his relatives after we ate.   We left Chick-fil-a and made one stop and were on our way.
Three was small talk that took place but not a whole lot of talking.   I am not sure if we were all in shock or if it was a surreal moment.   Sort of like we are watching first hand another family go through this.
Utah County,  I wanted to cry.   I knew it wouldn't be too long until we said or two year goodbyes and then dropped him off.
We arrived ar the MTC grounds,  exchanged hugs and kisses,  climbed back in the van and drive across the street.   Tears were flowing down my face,  I could not contain my sadness.   In fact I couldn't contain it since eating breakfast.
Time flew by up to 12:30, hours and minutes flew at warp speed.  Once Garrett walked away, without looking back,  time crawled at a snails pace.
We made our way home,  but not without taking a detour pass the MTC one final time,  knowing that somewhere within that complex was our son,  our brother, our loved one.  We drove home with me blubbering off and on the entire way.  I finally decided I needed a blessing. 
We arrived at my parents house and this is when I observed the time, 2:30.  Then I looked at the clock thinking for sure 15 minutes must have passed, when I noticed to my disappointment only 7 minutes had gone by.   This was going to be a long agree on if time was crawling along this slow.  And it was.
Here I lay in bed and can't sleep.  My heart is heavy and my mind is full.  Time just ticks away....slowly.   Sometimes it seems fast but not all that often. 
Garrett was dropped off a mere 15 hours ago...In some ways it seems like such a long time ago and in others, still like it was a long time ago.
They say time somehow seems like it starts moving along about 6 months into a mission.  For my sake, I sure hope so.   They say eventually the emptiness, the pit or the holes in your stomach are replaced.   They are replaced by your missionaries happiness and joy.  I certainly how this is true because right now we all need to feel joy.   Poor Madi finally broke down tonight.   She couldn't sleep...hmm sounds familiar. .. and just had tears streaming down her cheeks.  I have her one of Garrett's pillows to snuggle with an I think that helped.
Brent and I finally crawled into bed and as I pull my covers back I notice a letter letting on the bed.   Garrett wrote me us the sweetest letter.  I love that kid.  He may not have been here last night for us to give him a hug and a kiss and tell him goodnight to, but he did the next best thing to it!
What a rough,  emotional,  happy yet sad, prepared for but dreaded day.  I found that one way for me to feel slightly close was to write Garrett a letter.   I utilized the servers of dearelder.com and wrote a letter to him that would be in his mailbox later today.  
This is definitely going to be an adjustment.  The pain of missing him is going to take some time to heal.  The emotions are going to vary, from day to day, hour to hour.  The pit in the stomach will eventually be fill in the love and peace.  This is all something new which I have never ever experienced. 
Today is a new day as well as a day down and a day closer to him returning home.  Once again, my thoughts turn to the clock and glance at the time.   Guess what time it is?   6:37, Garrett is just waking up.  Today will be the first day Garrett will fill of our love as he is away from home.   

  

Garrett's Big Day

This blog post is one that is sad yet incredibly happy.  Sad because I miss my son.  Happy because I know he is doing what he is supposed to be doing.  Happy because he is happy.  Happy that he has chose to serve the Lord and share the Gospel.  There truly is no other place I would want Garrett to be.  I am glad that he is in the Lord's hands to watch over and raise.  But I am sad, sad that I won't see my son each day.  Sad tat I can't hear his voice.  I hope these are feelings are normal.  I have heard from others that each day gets easier, it takes some time.  Anyway, I thought I would )from my dad's suggestion) document the day.  Garrett beat me to getting out of bed, so I start with him sitting at his desk wrapping up last minute things that I am going to need from him.  The rest is self explanatory.  I love you Garrett and know you are going to do great things!

It's official

Garrett is now a missionary.   He was set apart last night.   He was given a wonderful blessing by the Stake President.   There were also many family members and friends there to support him,  which was wonderful.   Of course I cried and I want to say they were all happy tears,  but deep down not all of them were happy; I am going to miss this kid and to be be honest,  two years, right now,  seems like such a long ways away.
I have heard this gets easier and there will be brighter days.   I want to believe that, I truly do.  Right now a piece feels like it is missing.  Change is hard!  I am not ready for this sort of change.  Sometimes I feel like I am not going to survive this, but I know I will and it is that knowing that I cling onto for dear life.
I truly am excited for Garrett and this adventure, his mission,  he is about to embark upon.   I am excited to see how the Lord can raise him.   I know he will refine Garrett into an even better man. 
But I will still miss this kid like crazy....everyday! 

On Sunday....

I ended this post This past week...one word...BUSY with to be continued sort of.  Sunday started out busy, like the past week had.  You see, we finally had 1am church, which I have a love/hate relationship with.  I love that I get to sleep in but I hate that the morning feels wasted because we are being lazy in getting ready for church.  I hate that, during school time, we get home, eat dinner, and then it is basically time for bed.  Okay, not quite because some say we are vampires...I especially feel that way lately....but still, it is just not my favorite time.  But I guess it is better than 3, right?
Sunday started at 7am.  Actually even earlier than that, I was up at 5:40am!  Yes you read that horrible hour correctly.  It was made even worse because we went to be close to 2am!  We were having family over for dinner on Sunday, but that will come later in this post.  Why were we up at such an insane hour when, in fact, we could have slept in?  Garrett had to report to the Stake President and the High Council prior to his mission.  He had to bear his testimony and tell them where he was going and answer a few questions they had.  Parents were invited to listen to their missionaries report, hence the reason we were up at such a crazy hour.
Garrett was the first of five elders to report; three were leaving on missions and two returning.  Actually the funny thing, there are two boys with the name Garrett, from our stake, leaving this week!  Anyway, Garrett stood up, said the basic stuff:  name, where he was going, who is mission president is and then bore his testimony.  It was a simple, yet incredibly powerful testimony.  One that brought tears to my eyes to listen to my son bear his testimony of the gospel and the power of what is motivating him to share the gospel with others.  I loved it when he said, "I know the Book of Mormon to be true, I have read it.  How could I not share the gospel and share this knowledge with others when I know it is true?"  
After he said those words I thought, "How could I as a mom hold my son back (not that I was going to) when he has a testimony of the gospel and of the Book of Mormon?  How could I not let him share what he knows?"  How could I deny him the opportunity to be a missionary (I seriously was not ever considering denying him that chance - although my heart screams out to him to stop, I know I cannot do that to him).
We came home, I put four roasts in the roaster and proceeded to make mash potatoes.  I turned on Music and the Spoken Word.  The spoken word this day hit home.  I think it was the message I needed to hear right then.

We then headed to church.  We were five minutes early and the chapel was packed!  We sat on the cushioned cheap seats in the overflow.  All morning I had been a blubbering mess, on and off.  Some days I wonder why I even put makeup on when all I am going to do is cry it all off?  But I had this feeling to get up and bear my testimony.  I tried to squash that feeling because I knew if I was to get up I would be a sobbing fool.  The testimony part of the meeting started.  I could feel that feeling to get up, but all it did was make me cry.  I was doing a decent job of holding the tears in.
I observed the Bishop and his counselors look towards us, I thought I would pretend that they were looking behind us, or that I didn't really see them try to make eye contact with me....because after all, we were at the back of the room.  I then notice the Bishop get the deacon on the stand to deliver a paper to someone.  At this time, Garrett is walking up to the stand to bear his testimony.  I notice that the deacon passes all the pews and is heading my direction!!!!  We have been summoned, okay not a good word, but asked to bear our testimony....THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!
Now we find all five of us sitting on the stand waiting our turn to bear our testimonies.  Garrett actually had no idea that the bishop asked us to come up to the stand as a family and do this.  All he knows is that all four of us are heading his direction as he is bearing his testimony.  Parker goes first, then Madi, Me, and then Brent.  All of my kids did well.  Then it is my turn.  I think I did pretty well!  I didn't have tears streaming down my face, but my voice was definitely fighting them hard; it was very crackly!
My eyes did swell with tears when my friends daughter stood up and said how she was going to miss Garrett.  It broke my heart.  But other than that, it felt good to tell him how proud I was of him.
The rest of the day remained busy with family coming over for dinner.  It is definitely fun to have so many people around.  Do you think I can convince my family to ALL move in together, just for my sanity and sake for the next two years at least...or at least while I have missionaries out in the field?
So what does today hold in store, now that Tuesday is here?  packing.  That is how filled with joy I am...it is all lowercase and no exclamation mark.  I am dreading it; it means we are that much closer to tomorrow.

4 days and counting...but who's counting anyways?

Today started out wonderfully, we went to the temple with Garrett.  I love the feeling I feel when I go to the temple.  I think I am going to be finding myself there a lot more often the next two years.  The past couple of times that I have gone, with Garrett, I have thought to myself, "I wonder if I can live here for the next two years...or maybe work in the temple from morning to night." I find that I have peace there and comfort.

The day was not too bad...we put a door in the house.  A much needed door.  It was quite humorous locking the old door, we had to lock it with a bench and a bar stool propped against the stairs.  Garrett helped his dad and uncle install the door.  That's one thing I am going to miss about that kid, his helpfulness.  That is one thing that Florida is gaining, a very helpful kid; I hope he gets plenty of opportunities to serve the members and the non-members!

It really is amazing how one minute I am totally fine and the next, who knows what will set me off, I am a basket full of tears (if that's even possible).  Then the next minute I am fine.  Go figure.  I know it is because I am going to miss him, I just never thought I would feel it this much!

Am I alone when I say, "I see my child trying to distance themselves from the family as the day gets closer?" I know I can't be alone...at least I hope.  I see my son growing up, trying to be more independent, trying to fend for himself.  I don't know if it is because he knows that is what he is going to have to do or if he has been told to prepare for that as his mission approaches, but it is hard to see this transition.  You know it is a necessary change, but I still want to hold on to those precious childhood/teenage years.  

This past week..one word...BUSY!

I was just thinking, I never posted about this, Garrett went through the temple last Friday.  What an awesome experience it was to have the chance to attend the temple with him.  To also have so many people there supporting him and showing him their love that they have for him as he embarks upon his mission.  I love attending the temple, especially with my children.  I loved the peace and comfort that I felt there that particular day.  That day, I knew Garrett was going to be okay....although it does not make it any easier to go through this process.

Garrett has had the opportunity to go back to the temple several other times, which makes me happy.  Happy knowing that he will have that knowledge of what temple work is all about. 

A week ago, Dec. 28, we spent the day getting ready for his farewell the next day.  I have been truly blessed with a wonderful family and friends (that I consider to be family).  They helped me out immensely!  I cooked, shopped, cleaned, cleaned some more, chopped food, all while Brent and our friend helped him install base boards!  Yes base boards the day before a farewell.  I have only waited six years for the base boards to get put in.

Sunday, my sister came over at 9am and helped me cook, chop food, and clean.  She was wonderful!  I truly needed every helping hand that I could get.  Garrett spoke in church and did a fantastic job.  He spoke on Blessings of the Spirit.  He is going to make a wonderful missionary.  Florida is definitely lucky to be getting him!  I did well....I did not cry!  At least not while he was speaking!  Prior to his talk he kept mouthing to me to not cry (he also used his hands to show me while sitting up on the stand.  However, the crying came once the Stake President stood up and started talking.  But that was basically it....until evening time!  We came home and did a dinner.  So many people showed up, but somehow we managed to pack them into our house!  Garrett really does have a lot of people that love and care about him, he is truly blessed!  And can I say how wonderful it was to have friends and a sister that took over taking care of all the prep work?  They are AWESOME!  That day, family came over first and then neighbors and friends.  Our house was full all day!  Garrett has a ton of love and support!  He is one blessed kid!  

Once the house was empty and everyone had gone home we went to Temple Square and walked around the lights.  It was a great way to end the day.  When it was finally time for bed that is when the tears finally hit.  I had been strong all day but I could not contain my emotions anymore.  Tears flowed freely and would not stop because I knew this is what Garrett wants to do.

This past week has been full of last minute shopping for this coming week.  Temple trips for Garrett, movie nights at the theater for the family and skipping school days for Parker and Madi.  I thought it was stupid that the kids had to go back to school for two days, Thursday and Friday.  How stupid is that?  So we kept the kids home on Thursday, really we gave them the option but it was easy to figure out what their answer would be.  So we took the kids out to breakfast at Sill's.  It was a lot of fun!  But then the missionaries came in...(cue the da da daaaaaahhh music).  Garrett looked at me and said, "Don't cry mom." I have no idea what would possess him to say such a thing, I am not a crier. :)  I really was fine until he said that, but the more I thought about that being Garrett in a few weeks, tears started swelling up in my eyes.  Honestly, it does not take much to set off the tears.  I think you could look at me and say "BOO" and I would tear up.  I did not want to look like a bawl baby in the restaurant, so I valiantly fought back the tears.   Every now and then, one would creep out and quickly make a getaway down my cheek.  As we left we asked for he Elders bill and paid for them, knowing that if my son were (which he will be) in their position, I would love for someone to pick up his and his companions tab.  We left, ran a few errands and came home.  Later that night, we went to a movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  It was cute.

The rest of the week has been busy scouring the stores for last minute items Garrett is going to need to take with him.  A mission is not cheap, but I hear it is worth it.  

Saturday consisted of a temple trip with Garrett again.  Wonderful experience!  I think I need to live at the temple for the next two years.  Seriously.  It may be the only place I won't cry that much.  I really am trying not to smother the kid, but  it is hard to let him go.  I want to enjoy every moment I can when I am with him.

This is hard.  Something I was not prepared for.  Something I don't think you can ever prepare for.  

(If you have made it this far, reading this post that is, I am impressed, or sorry I have put you through this.)

Today, Sunday....started out bright and early....and the rest will be in another post.

I survived....

Year's ago, when Garrett was 14, he went on three sident Scott camps right in a row.   The first he was on stag at a big adventure camp in Idaho,  the second week he went on a scout campout for the week and the third week he went on high adventure.  That same summer he did Trek as well,  but that came a few weeks following the scout camps.  I remember doing him of at his first, I was sad for him;  dad that he doesn't know anyone at the camp,  sad that he was going to be all alone, sad because I knew that was where he didn't really want to be.  We didn't force him to go,  we just made site he followed through on his commitment he made to help out.    All the other boys in our ward that were volunteering at a scout camp were assigned to work towner at the same camp,  but some how Garrett was placed by himself at a different camp.  This made me sad for him because he wouldn't have the opportunity to build on friendships from our ward.   This made me worry,  because as a mom,  we always want or children to be liked and have friends.  Well he didn't have that here,  he was going to have to make friends.
It took me back to a time when I was driving home one afternoon.  As I was driving I drove past the elementary.  I noticed children outside playing on the playground.   I decided I wanted to see if I could catch a glimpse of my son,  playing with his friends and having fun.   So I drove to an area where I was able to park, that was not in school property,  and watch for my son,  I just wanted to make sure he was having fun and interacting with others.   I looked and looked and finally spotted him!   However,  he was alone this recess.  My heart broke.   I hoped this want happening every recess.  I turned the key and pulled away, I had seen enough, I didn't want to watch, what in my mind,  was my child being left out and being all alone.
I never did anything about the to him.  But that day we dripped him off at the first of the the Scott campus,  the one where he knew Nobody,  I didn't want him to feel alone;  I didn't want him to be left out,  wandering around all by himself.
We pulled up to the campground,  walked with him to find out where he needed to go then went back to the van and unloaded his backpack from the trunk.  We offered him help to get his gear to where it needed to go but he'd declined the assistance.   We have him a hug and a kiss on the cheek,  told him we loved him and got back in the van,  while he stayed at camp.   Driving away, my eyes started to swell, tears falling down my cheeks.   What if he gets homesick?   What if he misses us?  Who is going to tick him in?  Who is going to tell him that they live him each night?   What if he doesn't make any friends and is all alone?    How am I going to get through this week without my Garrett?   How am I going to make it through the weeks without him? (he would come home Saturday afternoons only to leave again bright and early Monday).  Driving away,  Saturday felt like such a long ways away. ... It might as well have been two years!
I remember thinking and wondering if this is what it was going to feel like when Garrett left on his mission? 
Fast forward five years,  it is what it feels like but more intense.   I still have those same worries for Garrett, the same fears I had for him when I dropped him off at the first camp five years ago. 
The hardest part for me was not being able to keep in touch with my son those 18 out of 21 days.  It delighted my heart when by the third camp he realized he needed to hear his mom's voice and get my reassurance that I loved him.   One day the phone rang and he told me he smuggled his phone with him.   As much as I wanted to be upset, I wasn't.   I remember the conversation was brief but it ended like it always does,  with a simple I love you pal...I love you too, mom.
So the fears and worries are still the same.  I survived that summer of camps so I should be able to survive the next two years,  right?  

Enjoy the moment

Enjoy the time I have left with my missionary while he is still here...which is another four and a half days, but who's counting.    Honestly,  I want to squeeze in as much memories of him and our family as I can before he is gone for two years.   Some days I wonder how I will survive two years without him;  without hearing his voice, seeing his smile, hearing a "Hi Mom!"
Honestly I try not to look ahead,  I try not to think of next week.  I try not to think of a month from now.  That time seems like such a long ways away.   Looking back to last week, the time had flown by.   Just last week we were in Disneyland.   Two weeks ago from today we were on a plane heading for California.   Last week was Christmas.   Last week we went with Garrett through the temple.   All those things seem like they were just yesterday,  yet somehow they,  too, feel like they are far away.   But laying here thinking that this time next week Garrett will be in the MTC.  Thinking ahead my heart gets heavy,  real heavy.  So much so that all I can do is very to release the pain.
So I try not to look ahead at the moment because it hurts.   It feels like an eternity and yet at times it doesn't. I know this isn't going to be easy, emotionally that is, at first.  I think I will be taking baby steps to get me from day to day, week to week, then month to month.

Am I the only one?

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one.  The only mom that cries BEFORE her first son leaves on his mission.  It really does not take much to make me cry either, which is the funny part.  It can be the thought of the dog and what he will do without Frasier.  Parker, waking up in a room all by himself; looking across his bed at Garrett's empty bed, empty, with no one to talk to.  Socks is what did it the other day.  Garrett's last day at work today.  Next week, next week Garrett will be at the MTC on his second day of his mission adventure.  Looking across the room and seeing Garrett sitting on the couch, playing on his computer, sitting there in his pajamas.  I in my heart knows the mission is what he needs, I know he needs to go and serve the Lord and serve the people of Tallahassee, but I am having a hard time letting him go.  I can see him pushing away, wanting to spread his wings and be his own person, but I am having a hard time letting him fly by himself.  He seems young; not ready; he still needs his parents protection.  I know it will take faith on my part that he is will be doing well; that he will be in the Lord's hands.
I have noticed that the more I pray, I seem to do okay.  That doesn't mean the crying stops, but it is not as often.  But through prayer, I know that it is okay to cry, but I also feel comforted.  I also know that everything will be okay.  I have also found that after a good cry, I'm okay.  I can carry on for a few more hours.
So am I the only one?  I don't think so, at least I hope not, but I think it is hard to watch your babies grow and leave the nest, whether it is on a mission, moving out of the house, or going to school.  This has always been emotional for me, watching them enter the next stage of their life.  Change happens, change is good, but sometimes it is hard.  This is good change, change that must happen, but it doesn't mean that I won't cry about it for awhile.

My journal experiences introduction.......

I have been using my regular blog to post my feelings and thoughts as I, a first time LDS missionary mom, go through this experience.  My feelings have been an emotional roller coaster ride the past few weeks.  At first, I thought maybe I was the only person feeling this way.  I would search the internet and see if there were other mothers who felt this way, because I had never been told about this best kept secret; the secret of the pain and heartache.  I knew it would be hard the day you dropped your missionary off at the MTC but I never knew it would be so emotional for the mother leading up to the time they left and after (which by the way, my son does not leave for another week)!
So my regular blog, displaced desert rat, has been the place I would run to write my emotions and feelings down as tears would pour down on my face.  Rather than posting my feelings upon that page, since I would like to keep that more family oriented, I figured I would dedicate one to just that, my experiences as a missionary mom.  This would be more for me; more a journal about my feelings, my emotions and how I cope with them.   I have searched the internet for any guidance as to how other moms tend to cope with their experiences and how they hold up the weeks leading up and following the time their missionary leaves, there is not much out there.  So whether this benefits just myself or the next time I send a missionary out or helps someone else, I am not keeping the secret to myself.  I will let you in and let you know how hard it is...emotionally that is.  I will let you know the joys and the heartache that I feel by sending my son on a two year mission - which, by the way, I am excited for him and for the people he will serve and bless.  But right now, my heart aches for this new chapter in my life; the chapter of going from my child at home to an independent adult.
So, the two year (emotional) journey is about to begin.......